Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
