How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
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