In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
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I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
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You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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