Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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