shes about as inviting as chlamydia
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
