Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
