You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
