she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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