I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
