shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
