My Higher Power is John Stamos
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
How does one acquire holy water?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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