the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Your cock deserves a montage
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
