Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
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Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
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Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
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