Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
