Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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