I'll bet she douches with gravy.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
