I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize