My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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