What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
