Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
