She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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