Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
