Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
