dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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