the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
