I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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