if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
