I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
