a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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