You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
