and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
