In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
