I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
