The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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