Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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