i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
