Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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