Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
