My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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