And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
