if only i could text you this smell
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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