lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just had sex on a roof
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
