I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
