im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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