she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
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You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
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I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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