I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
