I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
