I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Randomize
