she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
