put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
