Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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