3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
