Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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