Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
