You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
