nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
