just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
