I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
