Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
